Friday, March 14, 2008

things not to say to your pregnant wife

I could have sworn I heard my husband "moooo" as I was getting dressed this morning. I'm sure it was my imagination. Surely, he has more sense than that.

Cut to last week...

We were driving in the truck when I mentioned I was hungry. My husband has read enough of the pregnancy books to know that he should immediately pull over to the nearest appropriate place if I say any of the following:

"I need to pee"
"I'm starving"
"I feel like I might vomit"

So he's like, "How's McDonald's sound?"
I agreed the thought of a double cheeseburger didn't sound horrible. So at the drive-thru we order a couple burgers and some spicy chicken sandwiches.

I had barely finished my first sandwich when my husband asks, "Can I get one of those.." and he finishes that sentence, with, get this, "If there are any left!" and then he makes a noise like the Cookie Monster, complete with the stuffing-your-face hand gestures!

I mustered up the most "abused puppy" look I could and threw a sandwich in his lap. We sat in silence for a while until he noticed I was on the brink of tears before he started apologizing profusely.

Surely, he would never make that mistake again, right? Ah, that would be giving too much credit to the gender.

to be continued...

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the Body[pillow]Guard

the Body[pillow]Guard

Apparently pregnant people are not "allowed" to lay on their backs after the first trimester. Random, you say? Actually not. It has something to do with blood pressure and my vena cava. So anyway, my sweet, adoring, and somewhat fearful husband, bought me a body pillow. That's what the book recommended. It's so soft. So comfortable. I use it every single night. It's friggin awesome.

Pregnant people also pee a lot. Trust me. It pretty much sucks being awakened from a lovely dream at 4 am to stumble to the toilet. And you sit there, wondering where the pee came from because you didn't have anything to drink before bed, and knowing you might not get back to sleep before you have to get up for work.

So what do body pillows and peeing have to do with each other? I guess the body pillow is too soft! It's too awesome! Each night I get up to pee, I come back to bed to find that one of the dogs, or worse, my husband has stolen it! Just flat out jacked it in the two minutes I was gone. I actually have to wrestle it back from them! Not only am I pregnant and cranky and awake when I don't want to be, but I have to play tug-of-war to get my pillow back before I can get back into bed.

Now, I don't want to resort to taking my body pillow with me to the bathroom, but I will if I have to.

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in six month's time

In Six Months... a poem

In six month's time,

When my body is mine

And I can do whatever I please

I'll eat pâté and tripe...

Drink red wine and Red Stripe...

And eat mountains of unpasteurized cheese!

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and then this happened

Why do birds suddenly appear... when i’m walking my dog. She chases after them because she believes some day she might catch one. Sadly, an unattainable goal.

Every time you are near... I become self-conscious and wonder if you will smell the cigarette I snuck an hour ago.

Just like me... I hope you think Star Wars Episode III is an anastrophe catastrophe.

They long to be... just a little bit taller, i think. I mean, if I were a giraffe, I’d be standing there thinking, "if I could just reach that very top branch. I bet that’s where the best leaves are."

Close to you... doesn’t rhyme. Nice job, Carpenters.

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